Scary Moments

Some days I find myself wondering if I really have enough endurance to make it as a Mom. Wednesday night was one of them. I don't think there is anything harder than seeing your child, who you love unconditionally, in pain. It is the most heart breaking thing there is.

Last night, Lilly spiked a high fever & experienced her second febrile seizure. These fevers come on so incredibly fast that the febrile seizures are mostly inevitable.. the last time she had gotten one including this past Wednesday night, she had been happy as a clam all day long, playing outside & acting like her normal self.. then BOOM, all of a sudden at night a 104+ temp comes out of no where & her brain's reaction is to shut her little body down by seizuring. This happens to every 3 out of 100 kids, so it's not THAT common, yet at the same time, research & doctors will tell you that these febrile seizures are fairly harmless & have no relation to epilepsy or any other future brain damage {thank God!}

Lilly's last seizure was September 2010, the month after she had turned one. It was a humid warm night in NC, & we were all watching another "Veggie Tales" movie when I noticed Lilly was laying on the floor, silent, in her vomit when her seizure started. It was incredibly scary for us then, & the fact that this was only her second one a few nights ago was still the same level of shock. Last time we called 911 after noticing her convulsions starting & her lips turning purple, and at the hospital, the nurses had told us the precautions and directions to take if this happens again.

A few days ago was scarier to me than the past time Lilly had a seizure, because Rich was at work & I was alone with Lilly. I noticed around 7pm that she was not acting like her normal self {eyes glossy, extra snuggly, forehead hot, & sleepy.} Unfortunately, our little thermostat to take her temps wasn't working so I went with my intuition which is normally always right & gave her some medicine. The medicine seemed to help until it wore off around 10. We were snuggling in her bed & I noticed her eyes started to stare off into space & she wouldn't respond to me. That is when I knew what was happening next, a febrile seizure beginning.

The next few minutes were the scariest in my life. I called Rich at work & told him to get home asap since Lilly was seizuring again. I stripped off her pajamas, layed her on her side, & took a cool damp washcloth & started to sponge her forehead & body to get the fever down. At this point she had started convulsing & spasming, her eyes rolling back, her lips turning purple, & her body shaking in a scary rhythm. This lasted for about three minutes {that seemed more like ten}.. when finally, the jerking stopped. At this point, she wasn't still completely with it or responding to me. Her eyes were glued to the ceiling for about ten minutes after that, her body was still stiff, & she kept crying out in pain.

Thankfully, I am one of those people who don't scream or freak out like crazy when things like this happen. I have always remained somewhat under control during scary circumstances including labor. Maybe this is a good thing, because as petrifying & scary as it is seeing your baby have a seizure, I remained relatively calm & held her, sang to her, prayed out loud, & continued rubbing her forehead/body with a cool washcloth as her seizure stopped & her temperature dropped. My brain was telling me that this was going to be ok, that these kind of seizures are harmless, that she will be back to normal soon.... but the rest of me including my heart was wondering what every other parent out there would wonder, if she would REALLY snap out of it and really come back to me. Rich got home within half an hour, and by then, Lilly was responding to me and making eye contact, yet incredibly sleepy. Obviously, I couldn't sleep, checking on her & monitoring her temp every half hour. The Tylenol/Motrin trick helped, as she only woke up once to throw up then fell back to sleep till 9am.

This happened Wednesday night, and yesterday (Thursday) I was still pretty haunted by the image of my precious daughter having that seizure. Scariest moment ever, and it is still so scary knowing that this may happen again in the future. Even though we know what to do & that febrile seizures are pretty harmless, it is still so scary & worries me! I think about how amazing it is to be a Mom, yet how much heartbreak it brings when these things happen. I couldn't imagine being a parent who have children who seizure ALL the time, or parents who have kids with cancer, etc!

What gives me peace is that even though Lilly is mine, in reality she belongs to the good Lord, who made her & loves her so much more than any of us {is that even possible??! Yes it is.} In the end, He knows what is best, & no matter what I choose to trust Him with our sweet little girl, seizures or not.

Moments like these make me not take being a mom for granted, or anything else for that matter. I am constantly telling Lilly I love her, whether it is when I am disciplining her or when we are playing outside, but these scary moments remind us to hug a little tighter, say "I love you" yet one more time, and so on. Every day I get with my Lilly is a gift, one to be cherished & thankful for.